Relationships

I've been married for nearly 15 years.

Every time we have an argument I want to blame marriage.  But I'm wrong.  Marriage is, in reality, only a legal binding of two people.  It puts no onus on anyone to work together, see the other persons point of view.  All of that is in your perception of what you want your relationship to be like.

Marriages don't fail, relationships do.

My wife was recently on holiday for two weeks.  As the main carer for my kids I knew that the holiday wasn't going to be a holiday.  Washing still needs to be done, meals cooked, the kids fed and changed, etc.  However in addition to this the need to achieve something with the holiday would also be there for my significant other.  So in addition to the usual chores there was cutting trees down, chopping up wood, gardening as well as having our eldest full time and looking after him whilst the manicures, coffee's and lunches occurred.

Needless to say by the end of the two weeks I was more tired than before the break.  In addition, probably through poor posture and lack of core strength, my back was a mess.  So I unilaterally decided that since I was in pain the ironing and house work could wait.  I'd still need to do necessary stuff like cooking and getting the kids in shape but I wasn't going to put any stress on my back.  So I played games and learnt about Linux.  For 2.5 days each, totalling 4 days straight.  The wife always said that I should play more games.  So I did.

Needless to say this was noticed.  If I'm going to be a house husband apparently I need to be on top of the house work at all times.  Everything has to be prim and proper and the way that it should be.

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But why should it be ?  I don't get paid for it.  I have a longer working day than the wife with little or no thanks.  As far as I'm concerned if we're all fed and watered and have drawers of clean clothes anything else is icing on the cake.

My wife complains that I don't like her coming in when I've done 90% of a job and she does the last 10%.  Of course I mind.  Completing a job is satisfying.  Having that taken away from you makes a grotty job even worse.  I'll do the washing, hang it over the radiators and then the wife will put it on the washing pile for me to iron.  That isn't how I do it.  It goes from the radiator to one of 3 places (tumble dryer for towels, ironing pile for things that need ironing, or straight away for woollen items)

She'll complain that I re-arrange the items when she puts them in the dishwasher but pays no attention to how I do it to maximise its utility.  No back and forth and compromise on how we should do it and the pro's and con's of the respective methods.  No, she just doesn't do it.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm a pretty grotty husband at times.  I'm impatient, irritable, depressive but I'm also loving, caring and helpful.  If I'm nasty I'll apologise.  To be honest even if I believe I'm in the wrong I'll still apologise because it just doesn't matter.

I don't know how relationships work.  I don't know how friends work.  I don't like politics, diplomacy or brown nosing.

How can I learn to make a relationship work if I can't even be a part of society without isolating myself ?

I don't like peoples consumerism, their hypocrisy.  I may like their personality, their sense of humour, their integrity.  I respect their abilities but.  To be frank.  I'd rather live on my own in a log cabin in Canada.

Where is that lottery win when you need it ?

;-)

PS.  Yes, I know we're lucky we can be in the position where both of us don't have to work.  But it's a luck of the draw.  Do you feel guilty that even though some of the people in the uk are on minimum wage and can't afford their own home, they're STILL better off than most of the inhabitants of the 3rd world ?   You can feel guilty forever and sometimes you can be thankful for what you have.

PPS.  Here's a couple of interesting links for the record ;-)

www.ijreview.com/2015/04/287991-fathers-cant-afford-stay-home-mom/
http://www.babble.com/relationships/being-a-stay-at-home-parent-is-a-luxury-for-your-spouse/